Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
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Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.