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There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.