Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
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Always leave the cult better than you found it.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.