Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
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i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
mom gave me mine for free
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
you gotta be faster
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos