I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
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I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
when someone compliments me
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones