Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
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I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.