I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
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Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
my mom making me talk to relatives
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday