There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
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I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It鈥檚 really starting to creep me out.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
If your kids aren鈥檛 drinking enough water, tell them it鈥檚 bedtime.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
馃幎Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
馃幎
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we鈥檙e supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
HBO
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HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
What鈥檚 the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He鈥檚 8 months old