Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.