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I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
still the best tweet of the year by far
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
My dog learned how to text
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar