Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
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Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Damn what did I do next
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.