A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
You Might Also Like
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.