They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
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I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”