I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
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ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I’m literally crying
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee