I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
You Might Also Like
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
a public service announcement
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
My Sentiments Exactly
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.