He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
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Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!