My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
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Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling