A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
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[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful