My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
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Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
opening twitter today
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.