My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
![]()
You Might Also Like
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
![]()
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
![]()
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.