Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
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Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Feels
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job