Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
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The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Oh the world we live in…
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
i’m laughing very hard in real life
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.