I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
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there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Don’t snitch tag.
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GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”