I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
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Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
This why you should mind your business
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”