Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
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The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Batman v Dracula
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Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
well this is just bullshirt
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The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
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So many village idiots. So few dragons.
“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.