Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
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Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
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