My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
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someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”