I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
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Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
the world’s most popular steaming services
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.