I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
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Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
the world’s most popular steaming services
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.