I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
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Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
THIS HEADLINE
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Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
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