I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
You Might Also Like
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
an octopus is just a wet spider
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
The symmetry is uncanny.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.