my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
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Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Seems a bit forward
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.