Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
You Might Also Like
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
SCARY COSTUME
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .