Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
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Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Planet of the Apps.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
#merica
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.