Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
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GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?