Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
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women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.