If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
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this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid