Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
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history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Finally
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.