Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
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I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
It’s called St. Valentine’s Day because St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day just didn’t have the same ring to it.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.