@weinerdog4life

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

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@TallDarknHandsy

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

@Storminika

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

@RoxyTall

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

@TheTweetOfGod

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

@SCbchbum

It’s called St. Valentine’s Day because St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day just didn’t have the same ring to it.

@thematrixiscool

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

@jaslakhmna

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

@rorygneesmith

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

@sinnerland

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

@Brentweets

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.