“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
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Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Bloody internet 😳
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took