Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?