Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
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EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Incredible customer service.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.