I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
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So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
My flabber has been gasted.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”