If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
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Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.