Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
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One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.