Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
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Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Thank you corporation very cool
I think they could have phrased this better
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.