Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
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People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…