Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
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I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Ron is short for Aaronald
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.