4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
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*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Woke up against my better judgement again
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.