Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
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*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.