Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
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ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Barbie gone wild
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.