waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
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If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
“I wouldn’t.”
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?