Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
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Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
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Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.