“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
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[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.