Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
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Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
me, after any kind of buffet.
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My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
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i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
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Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*