I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
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I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
My work here is don’t.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Girl, same.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax