I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
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I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Smallpox sounds so adorable
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
this has done me in for some reason
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
181.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”