“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
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A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class