Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
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My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
sry
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…